Shawn is a talented musician. Is that gauche of me to say? Am I supposed to be humble on his behalf? I don't even care. The guy has worked at honing his musical craft for decades and is extremely good at what he does.
Recently, opportunities have presented themselves to him and all of a sudden he's playing for multiple bands.
Which is great. Dude likes to play. But it's also challenging for me, the person stuck with the dinner grind and bedtime routine and the whole "not having the time or energy to even remember what her hobbies are, let alone pursue any" thing.
Look. I know how lucky I am. I am endlessly, unbearably grateful for the life I have. I'm at home with my babies. There's a roof over our heads, we are fed, we are safe.
It's just, when someone asks me on Friday what we're up to this weekend, I want to be excited about my response. I don't want to make some vague comment about "kid stuff" and quickly change the subject. I also don't want to answer honestly (because somehow I don't think they want to hear "eating leftover Easter candy while watching Bones season one on Netflix and going through my camera roll to sort pictures into my "Penelope Rash" photo album.").
I'm happy Shawn is pursuing his passion. I'm thrilled his hard work and commitment are paying off. I'm so glad he has this creative outlet and the privilege to accept these opportunities as they come.
I'm also seething with envy. It's petty and unattractive, I know. I can't help it, though. I don't want to be up on stage, performing. I'm not jealous of his specific situation. I just wish I had the time/energy/freedom/space to do my own thing sometimes. Whatever that thing may be.
This sounds like a criticism of Shawn but it's not meant to be. I am sincerely happy music plays a role in his life. I'm also glad he feels secure enough in himself, and in us, to protect that part of himself. Shawn would sacrifice sleep before he'd give up music. I want to learn how to be like that. To acknowledge that I enjoy / need something and just do it instead of doing a million other things all the while complaining about not having the time to do the thing I actually want to do. There will always be more laundry. Th dishes will never be done. If I'm waiting for the house to be completely clean before I pursue my interests, I'm going to be waiting a very long time.
If you're a parent, what's your strategy for being present for your family but also preserving your hobbies? Or is this one of those "seasons of life" moments where I just need to buck up and realize that I have a baby and anything beyond "keep the baby fed" is beyond the scope of possibility right now?
