A List of Things That Scare Me

  • General Anaesthesia. This will be the sixth time in five years I am put under general anaesthesia. I hate it. My body fights going under. I have woken up screaming. I have woken up vomiting. I have woken up being restrained by nurses because I was trying to claw my way out of the bed. I am disturbed by the thought of being put under again (and that doesn't even touch on all the "put under and never woke up" story arcs on medical dramas).
  • The surgery itself. Things go wrong. Bleeding happens. Infection happens. Bad things can happen when you are cut open.
  • The results. I've been told the mass growing on my ovary has about a 2% chance of being malignant. Which is a very small chance, I know. But it took six months to be diagnosed with thyroid cancer and during that six months I was told by many medical professionals I had a 5-10% chance of actually having cancer. Spoiler alert: I had cancer. I find no comfort in numbers right now.
  • The weather. Y'all, it has been a long, hard winter. And even as we stumble toward spring, the weather forecast is calling for more snow this weekend. I don't want to miss summer. If something goes wrong with this surgery, my last glimpse of the outdoors cannot be another grey, dreary winter day.
  • My babies. This is the big one. The hardest one. I don't know what's worse: knowing that if something goes wrong with the surgery it will mess Grady up something fierce, or knowing that if something goes wrong with the surgery Poppy won't remember me. It's uncomfortable to talk about, and to be completely honest I don't want to talk about it with anyone who is not my therapist, but writing is a form of therapy for me so here I am. I am really scared that something is going to go wrong with my surgery and I am going to miss out on watching my babies grow up. They're the coolest humans I know and I want to hang out with them for as long as I can. I'm scared I won't get that opportunity.  

One more week of feelings vomit, lovelies. I apologize in advance. Thanks for being here. 


I was supposed to have surgery today but a few weeks ago the date was changed to late April, and then it was changed again to late March. My anxiety is...not so great right now. 

I don't know how to explain it to Grady. Poppy is delightfully oblivious. And I'm stuck in a bit of a doom spiral, fluctuating between breezy and terrified, fine one minute and crying the next.  

It's kind of a weird place to be. I try not to wish time away but this next week cannot be over soon enough. 

Meal Plan 03/19/2018 - 03/23/2018

I'm having surgery next week and it's messing with my ability to manage life. I am having difficulty adulting. I just don't wanna. This week is a HelloFresh week is what I'm saying. I don't have to meal plan, I don't have to grocery shop, I don't have to do any prep. All I have to do is open the box and follow the recipe and we'll have nutritious, home-cooked meals. (This post isn't sponsored; I just love HelloFresh. They've recently started offering boxes with four meals instead of three so they are taking almost all of the mental load of food management for me this week. I'm jazzed.) 

If you're interested in trying HelloFresh, use my referral link for $40 off your first box (and I get $25 off my next box and I'll love you forever).


Monday: We get HelloFresh on Tuesdays so I still have to think about Monday. I'm going to go super simple for Meatless Monday and make cheesy scrambled eggs, roasted asparagus, and buttermilk pancakes

Tuesday: HelloFresh Salmon en Papillote with Couscous Pilaf and Snap Peas and Tarragon-Chive Herb Sauce

Wednesday: HelloFresh Sage and Browned Butter Pork Chops with Roasted Broccoli and Citrusy Potato Salad

Thursday: Indonesian Chicken Fried Rice with Crunchy Chili Cashews

Friday: Sumac-Paprika Steak with Tomato Chickpea Mash and Roasted Cauliflower

What's on your meal plan this week?

Meal Plan 03/12/2018 - 03/16/2018

I struggled to make last week's meal plan but I was glad to have done it once I stopped my grumbling. I didn't manage to stick to it for the duration of the week, and full disclosure: we ended up ordering pizza on Friday, but I'm still calling it a success. It motivated me enough to stick with it this week. It was nice to feel less frantic in the kitchen and when I did manage to cook, we had lovely leftovers to take to work for lunch the following day. 


Monday: Instant Pot Fiasco Beans for Meatless Monday (I saw these on Holly Burns's Instagram Stories and haven't stopped thinking about them since. I'm guessing the rest of my family is not going to be enthused so I reckon I'll have a lot of leftovers to take for lunch this week.) I'll serve with Bang Bang Broccoli and quick pickled red onions and purple cabbage. 

Tuesday: Spaghetti Bolognese (Shawn's on spaghetti squash)

Wednesday: Panko-crusted chicken tenders served with roasted sweet potato spears, leftover Bang Bang Broccoli, and a lemon garlic yogurt dip.

Thursday: Leftover roasted sweet potato spears topped with leftover spaghetti sauce. I'm planning to melt cheddar cheese on top and add a sprinkle of spring onions for a sort of chili-fries-esque comfort food dish. Is it Thursday yet?

Friday: Instant Pot Coconut Fish Curry made with whatever looks good at the fishmonger. I'll serve it on top of steamed rice with Thai Cucumber Salad on the side. 

Look, I realize how basic I'm about to sound but here it is: the best thing I've done in the kitchen lately is meal prepping on Sunday. It's not enough to make my plan and do my grocery shopping; I need to get a head start on the week. I'm extremely fortunate to only work in the office three days per week but those three days are an absolute shit show if I don't prepare in advance. Today I soaked my beans for tomorrow's meal, and prepared my sides. I made Tuesday's Bolognese sauce and froze a portion for Thursday's meal. It took a couple hours to get it all done but it's going to make my week run more smoothly so it was worth it.

What's on your meal plan this week? How do you prep for the week?