Happy not-quite new year

I took the last week of August and first week of September off work to go camping with my family and get the kids’ back-to-school stuff sorted. The camping was amazing. We camped in yurts, which meant we had full-sized beds and comfy linens, and we were a five-minute drive from Whistler village, which meant I had hot coffee and a croissant every morning. I am using the term “camping” loosely, obviously. I look forward to the time when my kids are in their twenties and they go camping with their friends and show up expecting flush toilets and hot showers and full-sized beds and hot lattes and gently warmed croissants every morning. It will be quite the awakening. We are an inside people. Don’t get me wrong, we love nature. We’re just very gentle about it.

I had big plans post-camping but instead of getting organized, I got Covid. Not “just a little cold” Covid; I didn’t get out of bed for three days. I have never experienced a headache like that (and I am not new to headaches). Two weeks later, I am still experiencing annoying symptoms. The kids’ return to school did not go smoothly is what I’m saying, but it did happen. The kids are back in school and I am trying to recapture the magic of late summer. The beginning of September is usually one of my favourite times of year, full of possibility and January 1st vibes without the grey and gloom of BC’s actual New Years’ Day. Normally I use this time to set intentions and evaluate how I’m feeling about my yearly goals. I haven’t quite got there yet but I’m trying.

It’s a time of transition and I’m trying to embrace it and not fight the change. I’m not sure how successful I’ll be but I’m trying to look at it as exciting. Life is full and it is messy and it is sometimes chaotic, but it is never boring.

40 (and three quarters) (ish)

I turned forty last year and I expected to feel some sort of way but apart from feeling confused and frustrated every time I spelled it fourty and spellcheck told me I had it wrong yet again, I didn’t really feel much of anything. I felt gratitude for the family and friends who made my birthday feel so special. I felt weird in the way one does when they hit a milestone birthday after going through a life-changing illness. I felt delighted and exhausted because Shawn’s brother got married four days before my birthday and our whole family was coming down from a long weekend of joy and celebration. I turned forty and I ate brunch and that was it.

And then in May I hit my 10-year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer.

And then in June I had surgery.

And all of a sudden I am feeling something. I don’t even know what to call it. Unsettled? Uncomfortable? I am feeling discombobulated and cattywampus and very fourty-I-mean-forty.

I'm not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s just a new thing. A slightly itchy-brain thing. It is zero percent surprising that I reacted by cutting my hair off, truly. The most surprising part of it is that I managed to resist getting bangs.

Writing has felt challenging for what feels like a long time. I didn’t want to force it because who wants to have a hobby that feels like a chore, but the longer it’s been since I wrote for fun, the less likely it feels like an option to return to. So here I am. Cattywampus and itchy, trying to convince myself my new hair is more flirty bob and less granny bob, forcing myself through gritted teeth to admit that writing can be fun and forty is the correct spelling.

Stuff I Love This Week

• Are you watching Shrinking on Apply TV+? Shawn and I don’t have a lot of overlap in the shows we watch so one of us usually enjoys a show less than the other when we watch something together, but we are both loving Shrinking. We even agree on who the best main character is (Gabby) and who the best tertiary character is (Shit Rat).

• I got to read an advance copy of Maggie Smith’s memoir You Could Make This Place Beautiful and it was exactly what I hoped it would be. It was a beautiful mishmash of her creative process, her divorce, being a working mom, being the primary parent, explanation of how certain poems came to be and how others changed her life. I wanted to read it again immediately after I finished.

• This hot sauce on everything all the time forever and ever amen.

• Hot Fuss by the Killers is one of my Top 10 Desert Island albums and Meg Washington’s take on it is close to perfection.

What are you loving this week?

23 for 2023 - Month One

I can’t believe we’ve already said goodbye to the first month of 2023. I’m not sure if I’ll revisit my 23 for 2023 goals here monthly but I’m doing it today so … let’s just see how the rest of the year unfolds.

Not all of my 23 are quantifiable, which is a little annoying when you are trying to measure progress but I did it on purpose. Sometimes I get a little too focused on getting all the gold stars and winning my 23 for 2023 list or being the best New Year’s Resolutionist is not the point. The point is doing some fun stuff, doing some responsible stuff, and maybe growing a bit as a person in the process.

Instead of recapping every goal (and having to type “no progress” multiple times) I’m just going to highlight a few.

1. Before engaging, ruminating, participating, reacting, safekeeping, etc., ask myself: “is this mine to hold?” Woof. This has been on my mind and in my heart daily this month. Sometimes I do okay at evaluating before I am in the thick of things, and sometimes I am deep in the mire before I stop to ask myself if I need to be. I’m calling this one “in progress” and I suspect it will be all year. Or forever.

2. Family summer trip! Sibs & Nibs & Grandparents. Booked it! We’re doing a summer long weekend in yurts on the side of a mountain and I am pumped.

3. Aggressively pursue body neutrality. Eh. I’ve been to the pool with the kids a bunch this month and I am trying to not think about what my meat sack looks like in a bathing suit and just enjoy swimming.

4. Host monthly dip dinner. I didn’t host any guests for January’s dip dinner but Shawn and I had a lovely meal that centred around a really yummy caramelized onion dip.

5. Continue to exercise in ways that feel good. I nailed this goal in January. I didn’t beat myself up when I just had the energy for a 10-minute stretch class and I didn’t glorify the days I managed longer workouts. I just listened to my body and moved in ways that felt good. I discovered I love doing strength classes. I reaffirmed my hatred of pushups. I hope this trend continues.

6. Learn how to use LinkedIn and use it consistently. I am so intimidated by LinkedIn and I don’t know why! I am forcing myself to be on it more, though, in the hopes that I start to feel more comfortable there. I’m calling this one very slowly in progress.

7. Send at least one personal card / letter per month. Nailed it. Sent ONE card. Hoping to do a bit better in February.

I’m feeling pretty good about what I accomplished in January and I’m starting February feeling motivated to continue.