Friday Faff

Before I get faffy, can I be serious for a minute?

It's October. Pinktober. The month of pinkwashing. We're inundated with products that have been slapped with a pink ribbon and we're made to feel like buying these products is "spreading breast cancer awareness" (like we're not all very aware of breast cancer). The reality is that the pink ribbon symbol isn't regulated. Anyone can put a pink ribbon on anything. And they do. And we buy pink ribbon products because we feel helpless against a brutal disease and it makes us feel like we're doing something useful.

Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't buy pink ribbon products. People choose to show their support in different ways and if pink ribbon shoelaces or toques or buckets of fried chicken (seriously) is your choice, more power to you. What I'm saying is, if you want to contribute directly to breast cancer research, there are better venues. And if you want to contribute directly to breast cancer patients, there are better options.

Which brings me to my friend Colby. Colby is my age. She's a single mom raising two beautiful babies. She's a full-time nursing student who lives on student loans. Colby was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. In the coming weeks she is facing surgery and from there her doctors will decide her chemo/radiation future. She's also writing her final exams.

I've never seen Colby without a smile on her face. She radiates happiness and kindness. She's stunningly beautiful but not intimidating in the least because her goofy quirks pull you in and make you feel like you're one of the cool kids. She works hard and makes tough choices and doesn't complain. She would never ask for help. So her friends are asking for help on her behalf.

If you've got $5, $10, $100 to spare (hey a girl can dream, right?) will you please consider contributing to Colby's gofundme campaign? Colby needs to focus all her energy on getting well and regaining her strength after treatment. She shouldn't be worried about bill payments or buying groceries to feed her family. Well wishes and healthy vibes are also very welcome.

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Right! Let's faff.

Last weekend I was complaining on Twitter about the cold-that-will-not-die and Gayle from The Soup Solution reached out to offer me some soup. It was totally unexpected and kind, and her soups are so tasty, that I need to gush about it for a minute. Social media can be so noisy and you can get sort of lost in it sometimes, you know? And then someone reaches out and says "hey! I see you!" and reminds you that the community there still exists, you just have to dig through the sponsored posts and ads a little bit. Anyway. If you're local, I totally recommend The Soup Solution. Great soup. Great people. A+.

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Erin Condren is having a huge sale so now is the time to buy your Life Planner if you haven't already. I'm a huge Life Planner fan and don't think I'll ever give up my paper planner. If you use my referral code, I'll earn Erin Condren bucks so *bats eyelashes* please, pretty please use this link to do your Erin Condren shopping and use FRIENDS25 for 25% off your purchase through October 25th.

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My friend Taslim wrote about her definition of success and I keep coming back to it to read it again and again. She's a smart lady and she's definitely got the hamster wheel in my brain spinning this week. How do you define your success?

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We're supposed to have some sun this weekend so I should probably take Grady to the pumpkin patch for some seasonal fun. What are you up to this weekend?

January 2nd

The end of August is January 2nd and the day after my birthday and the last gingerbread cookie of Christmas. The end of August is so final and a little melancholy. It doesn't help that I've been planning my Ride to Conquer Cancer for over a year and in a few short days it will be over. It doesn't help that there's a full moon this weekend (hashtag: dirty hippie). It doesn't help that my due date is less than two weeks away. I feel unsettled and uncomfortable and bruised.

 I'm surrounded by amazing people. The love and support I've received this week - that I receive constantly - has been overwhelming. My cheerleaders and magic makers and light givers have been sending me messages of encouragement and excitement all week. My people are carrying me through this week to be honest.

I do this thing where I need to talk about all the things, with all the people, to make them less scary. It's not an attractive quality, I know. Part of me worries I look like an attention-seeker (hello, am blogger, hear me talk about my damn feelings) but part of me needs to honour that side of me so I can stop spending $200/hour on therapy.

So! I'm afraid I won't be able to finish a 200+km bike ride in two days. I'm afraid that the weather reports are true and we're in for a weekend of rain and thunder and lightning. I'm afraid I'm going to fall off my bike and break my face. I'm afraid I'm going to pop a tire and not be able to change it. I'm afraid that I am going to be so sore after the ride that I won't be able to enjoy the mini-vacation we have planned. I'm afraid that I am going to fall apart after my ride because I've been so focused on finishing that I won't know what to do after it's done. I'm afraid that coming down from the ride coincides with my due date and the combination of the two is going to hit me harder than I can handle. I'm afraid that September is going to be too much. I'm afraid September is already too much.

Combination (T4/T3) Thyroid Hormone Replacement Therapy vs Levothyroxine (T4) Monotherapy

Let me start this by stating the obvious: I am not a doctor. I am not making broad statements about thyroid hormone replacement therapy. I am talking about my experience with combination T4/T3 therapy and my experience with Levothyroxine (T4) monotherapy. I'm not writing this because it's what I think you should do. I'm writing about it because I have found it helpful to read others' experiences with thyroid hormone replacement therapy and because it helps me keep track of what happens when I make changes in my health plan (my paper journal sadly does not have a handy dandy search box for easy reference).

So! A little background. I had a partial thyroidectomy in April of 2013 and a total thyroidectomy at the end of May 2013. I have done my fair share of reading but I do not have a science-y brain so I don't have a firm grasp on thyroid function beyond: A healthy thyroid makes a number of hormones but only one (T4) is required for life. I started on Levothyroxine monotherapy shortly after my second surgery, which is a fancy way of saying that I starting taking T4 only.

The thing about thyroid hormone replacement therapy is that it isn't one-size-fits all. It can take a long time to find the right dose of T4. It can also not take a long time. Bodies are different. Everyone reacts differently. #science #captainobvious

It took over a year for me to find my right dose and when my endocrinologist was satisfied that we finally had found my right dose, I wasn't happy. I didn't feel well. My energy level was inconsistent. I had a lot of muscle and joint pain. My hair wasn't growing. My skin and nails were dry. My naturopath suggested I try combination T4/T3 therapy and I was desperate so I decided to give it a go and see how I felt.

I've been taking T4 and T3 for a year and it's been both a positive and negative experience. I was able to get stabilize my TSH more easily, which makes sense because T3 is the active form of thyroid hormone and doesn't need to be converted in the body. My daily pain diminished. But adding T3 to the mix was wildly inconvenient. Thyroid hormones are kind of a hassle to take. You have to take them on an empty stomach. You can't take them within four hours of calcium or iron. T3 needs to be taken twice a day because the body uses it so quickly. I had to schedule my pills and supplements and meals down to the minute and it made me anxious. My pill schedule made me feel like a sick person, which is frustrating because I don't feel like a sick person. Also, T3 isn't so great long term for the heart or bones so when I started having heart symptoms recently (nothing serious - just the occasional racing and sometimes pounding heartbeat) I started thinking about reverting back to taking T4 only.

I switched endocrinologists earlier this year because of issues with my previous endocrinologist. This week I saw my new endocrinologist for just the second time and we had a great conversation. It solidified my confidence in my choice to switch doctors and made me feel hopeful that we can make T4 work for me. I'm a little nervous. It takes 4 - 6 weeks for a new thyroid hormone dose to take effect so if you don't get the dose right and need to adjust it, you're looking at another 4 - 6 weeks of wonky thyroid hormone issues. But I'm trying to focus on the big picture which is this: I only need to take T4 once per day so I can be more relaxed about my pill schedule , T4 costs 10% of what T3 costs so if we ever lose our extended benefits we won't be paying hundreds of dollars every month for my pills, and if I ever get pregnant again it will be much easier for my doctors to regulate my thyroid hormones (pregnancy wreaks havoc on thyroid hormones, especially if you don't have a thyroid).

So! Brisk clap! I am nervous and I am hopeful. There is a lot of information out there about how horrible T4 is and I agree with some of it to a certain extent. The thyroid hormone replacement world seems to be a particularly controversial one but like I said, I'm not speaking to anyone's experience but my own. I'm always interested to hear about others' experiences though, so if you're on a T3/T4 combo, or natural dessicated thyroid, and want to talk about it, hit me up. I can talk thyroids all day, every day.

I Survived

Today is National Cancer Survivors Day. (It's also National Chocolate Ice Cream Day. Seems legit.) National Cancer Survivors Day is an annual celebration of life meant to honour those living with - and living after - cancer. 

I feel uncomfortable with a lot of the language surrounding cancer. Words like battle and fighter and even survivor feel a little outside my cancer experience. I'm not saying those words are wrong. I'm just saying they don't feel like they fit me. They feel bigger than my experience.

And it goes both ways. Lisa Bonchek Adams wrote:
"When I die don't say I "fought a battle." Or "lost a battle." Or "succumbed."
Don't make it sound like  I didn't try hard enough, or have the right attitude, or that I simply gave up."

Language can amplify. Language can diminish. Language can distort.

National Cancer Survivors Day feels bittersweet to me. Part of me feels like I'm trying to fit into somewhere I don't belong. Part of me feels uncomfortable celebrating survivors like the people who don't survive somehow don't count. And part of me is happy that there is a conversation surrounding survivorship.

I was diagnosed with cancer when I was thirty years old. I am hoping to live more years as a cancer survivor than I did pre-cancer. Survivorship - living a full and meaningful life after cancer - weighs heavily on my mind. At times I feel stuck. I feel mad that I was diagnosed with cancer at a young age. I feel scared that the cancer may come back. I feel unable to move past the fear and anger. And sometimes I feel grateful that I have the privilege of survivorship. That my good cancer (Best! Cancer! Ever!) (barf) has afforded me the luxury of worrying about living my best life instead of worrying about living period.

My head is not an easy place to live is what I'm saying.

I did not kick cancer's ass. But it didn't kick mine either. I may not quite feel like I deserve the title survivor but I survived.