An Update (Spoiler Alert: There's Still No Baby)

Before I tell you what's going on now, I need to go back to the beginning.

The whole pregnancy thing started in early January. I did some panicked math, fretted in some Twitter DMs (thanks, girl), and then peed on a stick. When the test was positive, I made an appointment to see my GP.

Then there was this really horrible waiting period when my GP couldn't confirm the pregnancy before ruling out more cancer because certain types of cancer can give false negative pregnancy tests.

This pregnancy/miscarriage has been stressful from the very start is what I'm saying.

After my pregnancy was confirmed, I had to see my oncologist for my regular thyroid cancer checkup. We discussed the pregnancy and he set up monthly appointments for me to have my blood tested during the first six months of pregnancy because thyroid hormones and pregnancy hormones are kind of tricky.

And then we had our dating scan, at what would have been 8w3d, and found out the pregnancy wasn't viable. I asked my doctor what the next step was and she told me that in BC women are encouraged to let nature take its course. I asked if I could opt out of doing it naturally and go straight to the d&c and my GP said no, a d&c would only be an option if I still hadn't miscarried naturally four weeks after the ultrasound that showed the pregnancy wasn't viable. At that point the plan was weekly ultrasounds until things started moving.

Which kind of shocked me, to be honest. I thought I could choose to remove my non-viable pregnancy the same way I could choose to remove a viable pregnancy if I so decided.

But I'm a rule-follower so I showed up for Thursday's ultrasound.

This week's ultrasound showed something in my uterus that wasn't there on last week's ultrasound. It's not a baby but the radiologist and my doctor don't know what it is. There are a couple of different options, and neither is terrifying, but right now I have no answers and I'm a mess. I'm hormonal (so hormonal) and I'm either sleeping one hour per night or collapsing at 8:30 and sleeping for 11 straight hours. I still can't make the informed choice to have a d&c, regardless of the psychological stress and agony attached to walking around with a failed pregnancy (and failed miscarriage if you think about it, thanks, body!) I'm having blood tests every 48 hours and weekly ultrasounds until my urgent OB/GYN referral is processed (holiday weekend in BC! No doctors! Just stress!) To sum it all up: everything is terrible and I have no answers and I still can't choose to have this non-pregnancy-unidentifiable-object removed from my body.

But! My awesome labour & delivery nurse friend, Mama in the City, told me about the Early Pregnancy Assessment Centre in Vancouver and their website looks promising. I'm going to call them as soon as they open this week and see if I can self-refer myself. It goes against my nature to bypass my doctors but I can't handle another 2.5 weeks of waiting for my body to cooperate. My body has a history of not cooperating.

So! That's where I'm at. Miserable. Stressed. So uncomfortable. Eating all the carbs.

I just want this to be done, you know? I want to move on and heal and have an amazing 2015.

Speaking of which, this week is going to be devoted to fun. Survival mode is draining. I'm going to show up for my appointments and I'll get my stupid blood tests (silver lining: after two years of blood tests I am almost over my fear of needles) but I'm also going to make a conscious effort to have fun. I've been short-tempered and snappy and horrible to everyone around me for too long. I want to have fun again, and I want Grady to see me having fun instead of being sad. Life is hard and a little grey but it's also so SO good.