Stuff I Love This Week

I am feeling a bit dark and gloomy this week so here is a small assortment of stuff I love (because we are going to find every shred of happy and cling to it until the twisty feelings pass):

• Stick Season by Noah Kahan. Kind of like if early Coldplay, Passenger, Mumford & Songs, and Caamp had a little music baby. “Homesick” and “Northern Attitude” are standouts for me but the whole album is wonderful.

• Welcome to Wrexham on Disney+. Oh my gosh. I never expected to care about a Welsh football team but Shawn and I inhaled all 18 episodes and we’re looking up match results online (and we’re saying “match results” instead of “game scores”) and we are fully emotionally invested in the Red Dragons.

• Sam Yo’s 22-10-16 10-min Arms & Light Weights Peloton workout. I love Peloton. I know it’s not for everyone but it’s the first time I’ve felt like I belonged or fit into the health & exercise world. I have my favourite instructors and classes I revisit regularly but it’s also delightful to try a new class and love it instantly.

• President’s Choice Sweet Potato Veggie Snaps. They taste like tortilla chips but they’re made out of sweet potatoes and I have eaten many with my mom’s homemade salsa this week.

What are you currently loving? Share with the class! We all need a little joy right now.

Wolfgang

The part that haunts me about saying goodbye to Wolfgang is how annoyed I’ve been with him for the last year or so. I loved him deeply and I found it extremely challenging to live with a senior dog. Logically I know we gave him a good life. He had a comfy place to sleep and daily strolls around the neighbourhood and an endless supply of his favourite stinky fish treats. And when the medications no longer worked and his body was failing, we made the decision to have him euthanized before his pain increased and caused him to suffer. I know we checked all the boxes of adequate pet ownership. But I also know how much I grumbled when I was cleaning up pee puddles and how sharply I spoke to him when he was barking (shrieking) at thin air. I didn’t show him grace even though I knew he wasn’t doing any of it on purpose. His body and mind were failing and I was annoyed. It doesn’t feel good.

The day that Wolfgang died, the kids fed him his first cheeseburger. When the sedative started to take effect, he rested his head on my shoulder and nestled into my neck with his last bit of consciousness. After it was over, the vet wrapped him in the blanket the kids had picked out for him and sent with me. He was a good dog and I wish I could have been better for him.

Hobbies

I used to have hobbies. I read a lot of books. I did crafty stuff. I hiked. I camped. Like, in the woods. I travelled and saw friends and saw plays and went to concerts and did all the things one does when their time is their own. And then I had a baby and then I had cancer and all of a sudden my energy and my sleep plummeted to negative numbers.

I don’t have babies or cancer anymore. My kids have school and activities but I have more hours in the day that belong to me than I’ve had in a long time. But I don’t know what to do with those hours. I don’t know what my hobbies are. I like to cook but after coordinating meals for picky palates and allergies, cooking for fun seems ludicrous. I’d like to read a lot of books but my attention span is lacking. I have no desire to camp.

I feel like my hobbies are laundry and taking my ancient dog on a hundred walks every day so he doesn’t pee in the house. It is depressing. I’m not even sure how to figure out what I want my hobbies to be.

Unravel

I recently discovered that I hate recognition, which is weird to me because I love recognizing others. I love noticing things and appreciating things and publicly acknowledging things that I enjoy in other people so it was a bit of a surprise to realize that I deeply hate it when others do it to me. I would like to live in anonymity please and thanks (which I suppose is a surprising stance for someone to take when they post about their feelings on the internet). It isn’t that I don’t like to be seen; being truly seen and understood by the people I love is an intoxicating experience. What makes me feel itchy and melancholy is the empty sort of recognition that comes from someone praising a thing I’ve done without understanding my motivation or why it was meaningful to me. Which is kind of silly, considering I exist in spaces that don’t include people I love like work and my kids’ school and extracurricular activities. I do awesome stuff in those spaces so why do I want to be invisible?

I’m turning 40 this year. Last October, when I turned 39, I committed to my physical health and have slowly and steadily grown stronger and started to love my body - wrinkles, scars, fluffy bits and all. A few months ago I went back to therapy. Not to carry me through trauma, like in the past, but to commit to my mental health and grow stronger emotionally. I think I’ve begun my Midlife Unravelling is what I’m saying. And as I unravel, I’m curious to see what else I discover. So far, I’ve discovered I hate recognition. I love feeling physically strong. I am confident I will always hate cardio. I love taking care of people. I LOVE love feeding people. I crave clarity.

I’m curious. If you are of a certain age, did you unravel? Are you currently unravelling? What have you discovered about yourself?