Full Moon - One

When Grady was wee and I was crazy (like, lying-on-the-bathroom-floor-crying-every-night crazy,) I lived every day in 4-hour increments. I could do anything for four hours. I could get through four hours. Four hours would not kill me.

Slowly things improved and four hours became six hours, which became 12 hours, which became a day, which became a week. And then I wasn't counting down my life anymore. I was just living. 

And then I got sick. And I started counting again. Weeks between procedures. Days between appointments. Two days between diagnosis and Mother's Day (do not recommend! There was a lot of pearl clutching during our family's Mother's Day brunch.) 

Slowly, slowly things turned into our new kind of normal. There have been a few bumps in the road but we're still moving forward. I want to take this momentum and use it to make 2014 my year. I don't want to feel like life is flying at me, full-speed, whipping me from one direction to another, the way I felt during most of 2013.  I feel like 2013 happened to me. I don't want to feel that way ever again. 

I'm counting again but it's not about enduring. It's about building. I drove home under a beautiful full moon last week. I was alone and it was late and I decided that this year, I will live from full moon to full moon. I will make goals and set intentions and I will happen to 2014. 

I am being gentle with myself. I'm going slow. I don't want to try to do too much too soon and end up tired and cranky. My first set of full moon goals are:

Run 30km. Total. Runs can be any length, I just want to complete 30km within a month. I realize this is not a long distance but I went for my first post-surgery run last week and I only managed 3 very painful kilometers. (Trying to be nice to myself. We all have to start somewhere! So much room for improvement! Yada yada yada.) 

Go for one solo swim. Just one. There is a pool in my building. Swimming laps is excellent cardio and it may help the tightness and pain I still have in my neck from my surgeries.

Write for one hour a week. No editing. No re-reading / judging. Just write. It doesn't have to be anything. It can be a fucking grocery list. Just write. 

Mail at least one handwritten note to a friend.

That's it. I'm starting small. By February 14th I want to accomplish everything on my Full Moon list. Do you set monthly intentions? Or are you more of an annual New Year's resolutions type of person?

Let Go

I have been waiting for 2014 for a long time. I know that 2013 ending doesn't mean that my bad luck is over but it feels so good to shut the door on the worst year of my life.

I want to leave 2013 behind. I want to let go and stop holding on to my pain and my fear and my failures. I want to be hopeful. I want to feel optimism and joy.

I want to focus my energy on things that fill me up instead of things and people who suck the air from my life.

I want to cross things off my list with enthusiasm.

In 2014 I want to:

Write more.
Learn the manual settings on my camera.
Make cheese from scratch.
Register for and run a 5km race.
Get a professional bra fitting.
Paint or wallpaper the accent wall in our bedroom.
Organize a 70th birthday party for my dad.
Take swimming lessons with Grady.
Go on a date with Shawn at least once a month.
Find a natural / healthy(ish) makeup that does not cost one million dollars or make my stupidly sensitive skin peel off.
Host Friendsgiving for my birthday.
Meet some bloggy / Twitter friends who I've known only through the computer screen.
Take advantage of the counselling I can access through the cancer agency because I'm feeling a little crazier than usual and it's dumb to turn down free therapy.
Change my last name to Shawn's last name and get new ID / passport.
Make marmalade.
Make fantastic, over-the-top, crazy indulgent desserts for each of my siblings' birthdays.
Make Grady a play tent, superhero cape, and advent calendar.
Complete one full "buy nothing" month.

Adding things to my list is slightly addictive. I hope it's as much fun crossing things off my list. What do you want to accomplish in 2014?