January 1, 2016

I love the 2015 Wrap Up posts I've read. And I love the Looking Forward to 2016 posts I've read. And I'm completely paralyzed whenever I try to write either. Can I just say "Peace!" to 2015 and "Yo!" to 2016 and leave it at that? 2015 was a year of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I am not sad to see the end. 2016 is a year of change but I don't have any resolutions. I don't have any goals for 2016 beyond birthing the lady baby. And I'm okay with that. I've started years past with lists of goals and resolutions and plans and I don't think I attacked my year any different than years where I started with a blank slate. So. Happy New Year! Peace! And Yo! I hope 2016 is good to you and yours.

Fitness(ish)

I worked out today. Like, I did a full workout video and I pushed myself the entire time and I sweat through my workout clothes and my arms and legs are jelly right now. I probably shouldn't be as proud of myself as I am right now but I don't care.

I started this year with big fitness plans. I did the 21-day Fix in January and I did manage to complete my 21 days of working out even though I was pregnant and miserable but then I had a complicated miscarriage. February and most of March are kind of a blur.

I've felt pretty low lately, both physically and mentally. Exercising has not been high on my list of priorities (eating carbs and watching all ten seasons of Friends has been at the top of my list for many weeks. Don't judge me.)

But today I forced myself to workout. I hated most of it. I felt sluggish and awkward. I can already tell that I'm going to be sore tomorrow. But I also feel a lightness that I haven't felt for months. I'm not going to get all "I'm high on liiiiife!" on you but the sun was out today and Grady was exceptionally sweet and I managed to complete a 30-minute workout without barfing or quitting. Today feels good.

Landscape SOS

Our front yard is in need of a little DIY TLC (OMGWTFBBQ?). It was mostly finished when we moved in last year but then we neglected it and now it is just sad. We knew when we moved in that we wanted to put up a small retaining wall and level the front lawn but for some strange reason, just talking about it hasn't actually resulted in anything being done. 

So! This year we are going to pretty up our sad front yard. We want to put up a small stone retaining wall at the property line (about a foot above the end of the hill) and then get the city to raise the utility access points so we can add some fill to level the front lawn. We just need someone to tell us what to do with the rest. What would you do with our yard?

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Iron Man is going to be pissed to lose his power station but he'll get over it.

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Sad neglected yard :( 

Genetic Accident

So much has happened in the last month and I want to write about it all, if only so I have a record I can point people toward when they ask me when I'm going to "give Grady a sibling" (barf). But it's tough. Every time I try to write I get that horrible pinchy feeling in my chest and I write without exhaling or punctuating. I have a lot of saved drafts is what I'm saying.  

So let me share the bare bones and I'll try to work through the rest later.  

I had surgery on the 18th and then again on the 25th. It turns out my miscarriage was actually a partial molar pregnancy, which one emergency room doctor thoughtfully referred to as a "genetic accident." (It took everything in me to not retort "you're a genetic accident!")  

I am doing okay(ish). My GP referred me to the reproductive mental health unit because I've had some difficulty sleeping and I feel the itch of impending anxiety scratching at the periphery but they can't see me for five weeks so I need to figure out a new plan. I have options, i just need to figure out a game plan (something I find difficult to do when I'm struggling. I flounder. Floundering is not useful but it's where I am currently.) 

My hormones are decreasing as expected, it just takes time. I've been downgraded to weekly blood tests from every 48 hours so that's nice. This Friday's blood test will likely show that I'm officially unpregnant and I'm looking forward to that finality.

We've been told we can't try to get pregnant again for a certain amount of time and if you aren't a Friends fan, I apologize, but if you are a Friends fan, think back to when Ross and Rachel get back together at the beach house, and then Ross actually reads the letter (18 pages! Front and back!) and they have the big fight where they break up again and Rachel is all "we are sooooo over!" and Ross is all "FINE BY ME!" That was me when the doctor said not to get pregnant. I know it's all too fresh to make any big decisions but I am SO OKAY with not trying for another baby right now. Maybe forever. 

Anyway. I'm here. Alive. Almost unpregnant. Almost okay.