Spiral

One month ago I had a small surgery on my eyelid. I had a weird lump and my plan of googling eye cancer and hoping the bump disappeared on its own didn't actually resolve the problem (funnily enough). So I saw my doctor, was referred to a specialist, and then waited for three months for my appointment. 

I had never met this doctor before my appointment. For various reasons, the appointment did not go great. At the end of the day, the surgery was completed and the lump is gone so it was technically successful. But at one point the doctor and nurse were literally holding me down and sticking needles in my eyelid and I panicked. Nothing was explained to me before or while it happened. It was all very abrupt, brusque, and coldly efficient. I'm not such a special snowflake that I need to have my hand held through medical procedures but I do like to have advance warning when things are going to happen to or on my body. 

The surgery happened a month ago and my eyelid has healed beautifully. But I'm stuck in this bizarre anxiety spiral where I constantly feel like I'm on the brink of imminent doom. It doesn't help that two weeks after the surgery I had my bi-annual checkup at the cancer centre (something that sends me down the anxiety spiral anyway).

I feel like the last month has been spent on tenterhooks. My brain is not a very comfortable place to be right now. My feelings are itchy. I drive to work and every car is about to cross the centre line and hit me head-on. I tuck Grady into his bunk bed and wake up five times during the night thinking I've heard him fall out. I don't hear from friends and think I've done something to offend them and now they hate me. I feel like I'm unravelling at the seams. 

This probably comes across as more woe-is-me than I intend. The last month has also been full of shining moments and a lot of fun. It's not all anxiety and doom all the times. That's the thing with anxiety; it creeps up on me. I've been trying to ignore it out of existence for a month but it's not working so here I am, laying it out and leaving it in 2017.