Being Okay with Not Being Okay

For the last little while (weeks, if not months) whenever someone asks how I'm doing, I answer with a glib, "tired and cranky, haha" and then the person who asked how I'm doing is all "haha, that Hillary. So pregnant. So tired. So cranky." And we go on our merry ways. Very surface stuff is what I'm saying. Which is fine because let's face it, when someone asks how you're doing they're expecting something more along the lines of, "I'm okay, how are you doing?" than "I don't sleep much anymore and I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of tears and my body feels like it's trying to turn itself inside out and I'm anxious that my broken body can't support my growing fetus for ten more weeks, how are you doing?"

I'm not doing okay.

Which felt very not okay until Friday when things became too much and feeling desperate for connection, I posted this on social media:

This is not the face of someone who excels at pregnancy. This is a still-throwing-up-at-30-weeks face. A my-hips-hurt-so-much-I-can't-climb-stairs-today face. A waiting-for-my-reproductive-psych-referral-to-be-processed face. A stop-commenting-on-the-shape-and-or-size-of-my-body-before-I-punch-you face. I'm struggling. And part of me wants to tell myself to shut up and stop whining because there are so many people out there who would give anything to be pregnant even if it meant being miserable. Part of me is ashamed for complaining when in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky and privileged. But there's this tiny little part of me that's drowning out the Misery Blackjack today. This tiny little part is refusing to be quiet. It's saying "today is hard. Today I'm struggling. If you've got good thoughts to spare, I'll take them. And if you're struggling and need good thoughts, I'll send them. Let's not suffer in silence." Group hug, babies. Today is hard. Be nice to each other. ❤️

This is not the face of someone who excels at pregnancy. This is a still-throwing-up-at-30-weeks face. A my-hips-hurt-so-much-I-can't-climb-stairs-today face. A waiting-for-my-reproductive-psych-referral-to-be-processed face. A stop-commenting-on-the-shape-and-or-size-of-my-body-before-I-punch-you face. I'm struggling. And part of me wants to tell myself to shut up and stop whining because there are so many people out there who would give anything to be pregnant even if it meant being miserable. Part of me is ashamed for complaining when in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky and privileged. But there's this tiny little part of me that's drowning out the Misery Blackjack today. This tiny little part is refusing to be quiet. It's saying "today is hard. Today I'm struggling. If you've got good thoughts to spare, I'll take them. And if you're struggling and need good thoughts, I'll send them. Let's not suffer in silence." Group hug, babies. Today is hard. Be nice to each other. ❤️

I know that social media is not for everyone. I understand that it's confusing and feels like one big overshare for some. I get it. But social media was my knight in shining armour on Friday. I have amazing people in my life. I have Shawn and my family and my friends, any of whom I could have called for a nice, long chat on Friday. But I didn't want to chat because right now? Talking about what I'm feeling? Is too much. It's all too much. I don't want to talk about my feelings but I want to feel heard. I don't want anyone trying to fix my problems but I want them fixed. I am an overtired, in pain, walking, talking contradiction and I don't care. 

I reached out on Friday because I felt defective and I needed someone to say "me too."

What I got was many "me toos" as well as messages of love and support and some really great suggestions for coping mechanisms and peace. My village rallied around me and maybe that still doesn't explain social media to some but it certainly justifies it to me. I've spent the last few days feeling supported and loved and not quite as isolated as I did last week. My body still hurts. My soul is still anxious. But I feel like I've got an army of love behind me and somehow that makes everything feel a bit more manageable.