So much has happened in the last month and I want to write about it all, if only so I have a record I can point people toward when they ask me when I'm going to "give Grady a sibling" (barf). But it's tough. Every time I try to write I get that horrible pinchy feeling in my chest and I write without exhaling or punctuating. I have a lot of saved drafts is what I'm saying.
So let me share the bare bones and I'll try to work through the rest later.
I had surgery on the 18th and then again on the 25th. It turns out my miscarriage was actually a partial molar pregnancy, which one emergency room doctor thoughtfully referred to as a "genetic accident." (It took everything in me to not retort "you're a genetic accident!")
I am doing okay(ish). My GP referred me to the reproductive mental health unit because I've had some difficulty sleeping and I feel the itch of impending anxiety scratching at the periphery but they can't see me for five weeks so I need to figure out a new plan. I have options, i just need to figure out a game plan (something I find difficult to do when I'm struggling. I flounder. Floundering is not useful but it's where I am currently.)
My hormones are decreasing as expected, it just takes time. I've been downgraded to weekly blood tests from every 48 hours so that's nice. This Friday's blood test will likely show that I'm officially unpregnant and I'm looking forward to that finality.
We've been told we can't try to get pregnant again for a certain amount of time and if you aren't a Friends fan, I apologize, but if you are a Friends fan, think back to when Ross and Rachel get back together at the beach house, and then Ross actually reads the letter (18 pages! Front and back!) and they have the big fight where they break up again and Rachel is all "we are sooooo over!" and Ross is all "FINE BY ME!" That was me when the doctor said not to get pregnant. I know it's all too fresh to make any big decisions but I am SO OKAY with not trying for another baby right now. Maybe forever.
Anyway. I'm here. Alive. Almost unpregnant. Almost okay.