Apathy

My email accounts are linked to my phone so every time I look at my phone I can see exactly how many unread email messages are sitting there, waiting for me to do something or be someone. I open my email on my laptop thinking that an actual keyboard with real buttons will prompt me into action. I sit and stare at the unread email and nothing happens. They don't magically disappear. I close my laptop without reading a single one.

It is difficult to explain thyroid problems to people who have never experienced thyroid problems. It is impossible to explain the lethargy and the feeeeelings and the complete lack of give-a-fuck that can come with too little thyroid hormone.

You know that feeling that you get right before you get a chill? That sort of pre-shiver that makes your muscles clench and your bones ache for a fraction of a second before the wave of cold washes over you and recedes? I has had that feeling unceasingly for the last three days. I am constantly on the verge of shivering from cold, without actually getting the relief of the shiver. We are enjoying a hot, sunny late summer here in BC. I bundle up in fleece and scarves and I drink hot tea and I am freezing.

Thyroid hormones are tricky bitches. They control metabolism and heart rate and temperature regulation (and feeeeelings.) When they are wonky, your whole body is wonky. My thyroid hormones have been wonky since May 2013. Months ago, I was mad and sad because I felt like a failed science experiment. Now? I am finding it difficult to care. Not in a "oh that? That doesn't bother me!" kind of way, but in a "nothing matters. Nothing works. Nothing is good" kind of way. It is a frustrating place to be.

I am told I need to trust the doctors and trust the process. I am told I need to fight for myself and trust no one. I am told that happiness is a choice. I am told that numbers mean more than how I feel. I am told I need to feel my feelings as I am ushered out the door and scheduled for a follow up appointment in six months. I want someone to tell me it is all going to be okay. And I want to be able to believe them.

I hate everything today.