Finding My Happy

When you live in survival mode, you shut off the non-essentials. But sometimes those non-essentials (like taking care of your feeeeelings) are maybe a little more important than you are willing to admit. And then you stop living in survival mode and you can take a deep breath and reassess your situation and you realize that shit, feelings you should have been feeling and unhealthy thoughts and patterns you should have been acknowledging have somehow become insurmountable. 

I'm doing some therapy is what I'm saying. 

It's a good thing. 

Two days after my cancer diagnosis, after a particularly difficult Mother's Day brunch, I told my family that I didn't want anyone to feel any feelings near me. And I've kind of stayed there in that defensive, shut down place. I've tried very hard to not feel anything or acknowledge my emotions. Because cancer is terrifying. Even if it's a good cancer. Even if you have an excellent prognosis. It's scary and it made me feel raw and perpetually terrified. 

But the therapy! The therapy is helping me work through some stuff. My therapist is working on mindfulness therapy with me. I like it because it's kind of what I try to do anyway (think of good things every day and meditate on what I feel grateful for) just in a more structured way (I have to be grateful. Every day. Even if the only thing I'm grateful for is gin.) 

I've been using Schmutzie's Grace in Small Things for getting to my happy place and recording my bits of positivity on Facebook but I'd like to start doing that here, too. I've got a GiST profile (like, five years late but hey, late is better than never, right?) and I'd love it if you joined me. Let's get happy, people.