I'm Not Okay but I Will Be

Sometimes you are doing okay and you feel like you've been doing okay for a while so this sort of momentum builds. A "things aren't perfect but I'm holding it together" momentum. And you don't want to break that momentum by admitting that maybe you're *not* doing okay. That maybe these little bumps along the road are more than just bumps. That you're stuck, wheels spinning, desperately trying to get up and over just one bump.

My hormone levels are wonky again, which should be less of a surprise than it is. I have felt unwell for weeks. My pain has been increasing. Life has been difficult.

My dose was adjusted in December and it felt wrong but I didn't speak up because my specialist was on Christmas break and had faxed the instructions to my GP. Questioning the new dose meant interrupting my specialist's holiday and I felt too awkward and uncomfortable so I didn't.

And now I'm hypothyroid. Depression is a symptom of hypothyroidism. I know my TSH level has pushed me into being hypothyroid (my TSH level is four times higher than what it was in December.) I know what hypothyroidism feels like (I spent most of June and July dealing with a huge spike in my TSH.) But I'm still beating myself up for feeling depressed - something that is caused by being hypothyroid. I'm not beating myself up for gaining 5lbs in two weeks. I'm not beating myself up for feeling horrible joint pain. I'm not beating myself up for having sleep issues. These are *all* caused by the hypothyroidism. But I'm beating myself up for feeling blue. Because depression doesn't make sense.

I'm going to be okay. I have a plan. There is some comfort in knowing that this is all caused by wonky thyroid hormones and once they're adjusted I can start to feel good again. I guess I should feel grateful that this is yet another goddamn growth opportunity. I will advocate better for myself next time, that's for sure. Being a people pleaser while trying to get the best cancer treatment available is a constant struggle between not wanting to ruffle any feathers and trusting that I know how my own body feels better than a textbook says I should feel.