It feels almost disrespectful to Grady, this gnawing, twisty feeling I have in my heart. The tiny empty corner that I try to ignore but sometimes still manages to suck up all my joy. The little spot that stays silent until it's roaring at me and cannot be quieted with logic or reason.
I cannot have a baby right now. I want a baby right now. Like, right-this-very-second now, please and thank you.
I feel silly feeling this way. I feel sillier saying it. It's so beyond the realm of possibility right now that it feels both frivolous and sadistic to spend so much time and energy thinking about it. But I can't stop.
Grady is amazing. He is spirited and hilarious and empathetic and creative and sweet. He is enough. Grady is more than enough. If Grady is my only baby he will never know about the twisty feeling in my heart. Shawn and I will surround him with love and friends; we will show him the world; we'll teach him the beauty in choosing your own family - picking the people you love. We will be enough for each other.