It Should Surprise No-one that My Night Ended with Gin

You guys, I am tired. I am so tired.

Yesterday was full of tests and appointments that I really should have scheduled on different days but it just worked out the way it did. I had an ultrasound first thing in the morning and I sat in a waiting room of beautiful, glowing pregnant ladies and I hated them. I really, honestly hated these women I've never met before because they were about to see their unborn babies and I was about to see my cysty ovary (yeah, I now have cysty ovary bullshit to deal with on top of thyroid cancer bullshit. Apparently my body is really good at growing stuff.) I didn't care that these women could have fought an unimaginable battle to get that beautiful pregnant belly. I didn't care that they may have been there to see a sick unborn baby. I just hated them.

Later that morning, after my SURPRISE internal ultrasound (my first one! Milestone!) and after fighting horrible traffic and the worst parking lot I've ever encountered, I had my cancer team update. It was good news (low tumour markers exceeding everyone's expectations! Ten gold stars to you, tumour markers! You get NOTHING, ovaries) and I left feeling optimistic. I sat in the waiting room as my appointment card was filled in for me and absentmindedly looked around for a wall clock. As I scanned the room, an exam room door opened and I made the *briefest* accidental eye contact with a woman who looked to be a few years younger than I am. As she adjusted her wig. The hate that flashed through her eyes was instant and searing and so familiar.

I know I should feel grateful for all this learning and growing I've been doing over the past year but mostly? I'm just tired.