Summer disappeared yesterday. We don't often have storms like the one that hit us yesterday afternoon. The rain came down in sheets from a sky that was angry purple. The thunder was loud and incessant. The lightning, unusual and beautiful. It felt significant, especially coming the day after the new moon.
I woke up this morning with a strange sensation in my neck. Not unpleasant, just not comfortable. Tiny zings ran up and down the front of my neck as I woke up and stretched. It wasn't until I was drinking my coffee that I realized why I felt so unsettled. The tiny zings were significant because they were the first feeling - pleasant or not - that I have felt in that area of my neck since my first surgery back in April. From the top of my throat to just under my scar at the base of my neck, the skin all along the front of my neck has been numb for over four months. The numbness has been comforting and disturbing all at once.
I feel like maybe I've been existing in a comfortable-yet-disturbed numbness since my second surgery. After the shock my diagnosis wore off and my second surgery was complete, I sort of fell into maintenance mode. I go to my appointments. I fill the prescriptions and I follow instructions. But I'm not really living outside of this comfortable little numb zone in which I've encased myself. I now have the opportunity to really advocate for myself and decide which treatment route is best for me. I have the choice to live outside of my numbness - to embrace the zings, tiny as they may be - or to huddle in my comfortable little hideout of "tra-la-la cancer shmancer everything is fiiiine!"
Grady did not shy from his first real storm. He was glued to the window, gleefully exclaiming at every lightning strike and telling me to "yook! yook! I watch a funder!" I want to bottle up his enthusiasm and his fearlessness and draw on it when the zings get to be too much. I want to revel in the zings. I want to think "fuck yeah, funder. Let's do this thing." (Also? I truly want to be someone who does not speak like her child but I cannot help it. He says thunder like funder and love is yuv and butterflies are flutterflies and you can't make me stop.)