I've Been Here Before

Grady caught a cold in September. He caught a cold and then I caught a cold and then our family cycled through sickness after sickness until last week when, apart from the nonstop toddler runny nose, we were healthy.

It has been difficult for me to stay sane when every cough or fever screams "CANCER!" I do my best to quell my panic because life is too short to spend it constantly worrying. I am a pro worrier. Worrying is my jam. It has taken monumental effort to not live every day expecting to be stricken by a deadly case of the sniffles.

A year ago I had just begun the process that would lead to my cancer diagnosis. November through March was spent doing bloodwork and ultrasounds and biopsies. And now I'm here again. Two days before Christmas my doctor found some cysts that could be completely unrelated to the cancer or they could be part of a bigger picture. I'm facing bloodwork and ultrasounds and potentially more biopsies. I'm panicking. I'm trying very hard to listen to the medical professionals who are telling me that these types of cysts are very common and are benign more often than not (even though a year ago I spent a lot of energy convincing myself to listen to the many different medical professionals who told me that my thyroid nodule had a 5% chance of being cancerous and that turned out REALLY WELL FOR ME.)

I've spent a lot of time complaining about my shitty 2013. I've said over and over that I just want to go back to the way things were before. I'm realizing now that my old normal is gone. Cancer has ruined normal for me. I don't know what my new normal is but I know I have to let go of my old expectations in order to move forward. "Let go" will be my theme for 2014.